July 6, 2015

Dear Loose Chalk

Dear Loose Chalk,

We’ve been together for awhile now, but as they say “all good things must come to an end.” And truthfully it’s not me, it’s you. Let me explain…

You’ve always been good to me, or so I thought. I loved your willingness to be used in an abundance. I never had too little chalk, you made sure of that. I loved scooping you up and clapping my hands together, creating a smoke screen for my next move. I even loved falling on your house, scattering you everywhere… But I didn’t realize the consequences of our relationship. I didn’t know that your abundance was causing health problems for me and my peers. I didn’t even know how you affected the electronics and A/C units in our gym.

The truth is, you’ve been pretty destructive over the course of our relationship. You’ve caused thousands of dollars in damage to our A/C units and computers. And who knows the damage you’re having on our lungs! You’re just giving too much of yourself. You don’t know how to hold back. And I think that’s because you don’t have any restrictions. You’re loose. They’ve designed smaller homes for loose chalk to allow all of your benefits while containing your destructive consequences. They call these “Chalk Socks” or “Chalk Balls.” My gym has purchased tons of these smaller homes and will be giving them out to every member at our gym. I know it feels like I’m leaving you for a younger, more functional chalk model… because that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m moving on, and I think you should too. I’m changing the locks on the gym and you won’t be allowed back. I’m sorry, but again – it’s not me, it’s you.  Thanks for the memories, but you were just too high-maintenance. Maybe find someone who doesn’t mind that? I hear lebron’s available…


Mountain Goat